Military girlfriend's don't know anything...

I have been having some problems ever since my boyfriend came home almost a month ago. And, in looking for some support, someone to talk to, I went to a woman who has something in common with me; her husband has been over in Iraq for the better part of last year. What I was not expecting was her reaction to my asking her for help. She told me that, because I don't have a ring on my finger, my situation had no comparison to hers, since I wasn't a military wife that I wasn't worth anything. That I couldn't possibly know anything about how it feels or what it's like when he is away.

I just want to set the record strait for anyone out there who agrees with her, while I may not be a wife to my soldier, I have been as good as one for almost 3 years. I may not know much, but this is what I do know:

I know what it is like to hold him and kiss him for the last time before he boards a plane that will take him away from me for almost 11 months. I've gone for weeks without hearing his voice over the phone. I've sat silently on the phone with him while he was tortured over the fact that he shot and killed a young boy with a home-made bomb strapped to his stomach earlier that day. I have rocked him to sleep on the floor because the bed was too comfortable for him to sleep on and he wasn't used to it. Experienced waking up to him screaming and couldn't even BEGIN to imagine what he saw in his dreams. I've watched him scarf his food down in two minutes flat because that is the amount of time he was used to allotting himself for a meal. I've stood in a crowd and watched him receive a silver star for putting himself in danger to save others, appearing to be happy and proud, gracefully, while my insides were screaming out in anguish, complete agony, and trying my best to hide how truly pissed off I was that he would even consider, just for a second, about putting another's live ahead of his own with the possibility that he may not have come home. And I have watched him adjust to being home, excuse his way out of talking about his experiences in Afghanistan, and jump out of his skin whenever he hears a train go by or a car alarm, watched him eye every kid with a backpack and piles of trash on the side of the road.

I may not be a military wife and I may not know much about being one -- technically, but I know everything I have mentioned above because I have seen it and felt it for myself. I know my soldier, inside and out... and backwards. I know him better than he knows himself. And, no matter where he is, what he is going through, what he is doing and whatever he is thinking about at the time... when I am with him, I am home. And I would do anything, within or completely out of my reach to keep him safe and with me at all times. To me, that is what a military wife really is, it has nothing to do with a marriage license or jewelry.

I couldnt agree with you more. I truly feel the same way, being a wife has nothing to do with a marriage license or jewerly!

Though I know that hearing such harsh words from someone you simply wanted advice from hurts... try not to let it get to you too much because, trust me, you didn't not want to hear any words of wisdom from someone with that type of outlook. I would recommend that you contact the VA nearest you and inquire about some community PTSD support groups you might could attend. I'm no doctor, so I will not say that is exactly what your loved one suffers from; but, I believe having the opportunity to hear/share discussion with those who attend such meetings could maybe be helpful to you.

By the way... thank you for your service to your country. Standing by your Soldier during his absence, being there when he got back, and now caring to help him in any way you can... call it what you will... all I know, if it was helpful to him, then you served. A lot of other people can't say that.

God bless ya,
Chuck

Autumn,
I am really sorry that another wife said that to you! We are not all that way! My husband just got back last month as well only this time from Kuwait. His last deployment was in Iraq for a year and a half, and he went through the same things as well. That deployment was 6 years ago, and he still doesn't say much about the children he killed and his experiences, but he still suffers! We got married Nov. 2007 just b4 his second deployment and a month later he was gone. We weren't even together long b4 that, so your relationship has been even longer than mine. So is her point to say that I couldn't understand as a wife because we weren't together or married as long as well? LOL However, what I do know is there are many free programs for soldiers out there as well as counseling for both of you to learn how to deal with this. There are web sites I can get you as well!!! I have access to so many resources that might benefit you to utilize those. He may be telling you he can handle it, that it will get better..... Please don't let him wait 6 years or til the next deployment like my husband! The only difference from being a wife and a girlfriend that I can think of is we're responsible for anything financial they need us to handle or anything else that happens because of the power of attorney and being next of kin which depending on how organized the man is can get stressful! That's all I can think of tho and that doesn't mean I'm right. If you ever have ?s or need to talk send me a message and I'll get back to you! If you need anything let me know!

I just want to thank you guys who have posted on here in support of my own. I know that we are all going though tough times and we deal with it in different ways and it is soooooo hard sometimes. I have recently run into a number of wives/girlfriends who are going through this or have gone through this and too many of them give up. I care too much about mine to let that happen and while he claims he does not need help, that he has only been home for a little while and it will get better, I know that just in sticking by him will mean a world of difference.

Thank you all again, and I might take a couple of you up on your advice.
Keep it real!

No matter what someone's opinion is, that response was uncalled for....sorry that happened. I would have been livid and not very tactful with my response to that woman.

I am very sorry that you had such a response from a wife. That was just uncalled for! I don't think I could have controlled my anger, and would most likely have gone off on her!

Some people don't understand that girlfriends, and fiances are there and go through the same things wives do, we just don't have a paper or rings that signify we're married to our military man. That does not for any reason mean that we have not seen what our military men have gone through or felt the same things.

I would liked to remind that woman that at one time she was a girlfriend herself, and see what she would have felt like if some wife said that to her!

As a soldier I will say one thing and make it perfectly clear. Ring or no ring papers or not a spouse girlf friend fiance significant other....they are all one in the same for the losses suffered. We soldiers need one thing in life to do our job and that is the support of our loved ones. An ill informed and probably new to the service spouse who is dumb enough to forget that she was once a girlfriend is probably less supportive to her soldier than the young woman waving goodbye with tears in her eyes with nothing more than a promise of continued love from across the globe. So support your soldier and ignore the idiot who more than likely married for his benifits than the love of him and what he does.

honostly from what youve said I can tell you this, your better than a lot of military spouses out there because they lie and cheat when we're down range or in training and it just sucks. Good for you with sticking with your soldier

I wish I could say you just ran into that one bad stuck up wife but there are always a few. I believe Army wives, Girfl friends, family ext are the most strongest people. Just as a Soldier has to be strong to handle and balance everything so does their better part. There are always bad apples in every batch Soldiers and theri other part. My best advice is for him and or you go to his Chaplin or one you may be more able to talk to. There are so many different programs that help in these areas. You could talk to someone at ACS and seek help that way. I am sorry you had to go through someone treating anyone like that. I hope you have gotten great advice from people and have found good ways to deal with this and smiled at the end. You are just as important as a wife. God Bless

Just hang in there... Just don't become the statistic of significant others (bf/gf/spouse) who don't stand tall with us. We all need your support. No matter what branch or what we do, it is never easy. I thank you for being one of those who understand us and support us. I haven't had the opportunity yet to head over to the hot zones, but I've dealt with the harsh aspect of being with someone who didn't care for me whole-heartedly and although we were only states away, she "betrayed" me.

I commend your efforts and absolute dedication to your soldier.

Juts want to echo what has been said by many already that the comments directed towards you were inappropriate and uncalled for. We know that serving in the military requires great sacrifices not only of the service member but their familys and loved ones as well. Not sure were I would be without my wife and kids help and support.

Ok so what you are not married to him (yet) from the way you have described everything you have done more for your boyfriend then my wife has ever done for me. I just wanted you to know that you should have bitch slapped the bitch that told you that crap.

i have to say i was a marine wife and my best friend was a marine girlfriend our guys where in the same unit and deployed together and she went through the same thing i did.... the ones that dont know anything is when it's ur friend deploying..... i went through deployments with friends and one with my husband and it's a lot worse when its ur significant other.... screw the women that pull rank or the Mrs. title... they don't know anything

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I would just like to say that as a military girlfriend,,,it is just as lonely for us being without our men than it is for wives of the military. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down every day is knowing that there are others that are going through it. Although I can't wait to make it official I feel no less important than any other woman who is going through this with their soldier. It is a hard job for anyone, but that is what makes us strong.....so for the wife that thought she was more important, she probably has no clue what others go through.

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I would just like to say that as a military girlfriend,,,it is just as lonely for us being without our men than it is for wives of the military. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down every day is knowing that there are others that are going through it. Although I can't wait to make it official I feel no less important than any other woman who is going through this with their soldier. It is a hard job for anyone, but that is what makes us strong.....so for the wife that thought she was more important, she probably has no clue what others go through.

That woman should be ashamed of herself! As an Army Fiancee, I know what you're going through. When John and I first got back together, he was about a month away from deploying. There were a lot of people who said things like that to me, and one of them was a girl I'd considered a friend from high school. At 21, (I was 21 when he first deployed,) I wasn't expecting such childish behavior, but she began to use myspace as a tool to say very hurtful things. Once she got up on her soapbox, people began to see her for what she really is. A pathetic, spiteful person who feels the need to destroy others in order to help herself feel better.

It's probably harder as a girlfriend because most FRGs won't help you out in any way. I am not affiliated with John's FRG, and probably won't be even after we say "I Do." Most women feel entitled to some form of recognition, and it's just the wrong mentality. I hope you have better luck with other Army women, and feel free to contact me if you have any questions or concerns. I'd love to help, and coming from a military family and having my soldier serving his 11th year (we met 5 years ago,) I've seen a lot and learned a lot. Good luck to you and your boyfriend!

i am sorry to hear that a wife would actually say that to you. you're just as much of a wife as we are! i hope that you have received a better welcoming now. i am more than happy to talk to any girlfriend about any issues that she is having with their returning soldier. please do not think that all wives are like the one that gave you that nasty welcoming. i hope things are getting better!